Swimsuit Editon...Chubby Style

Hey Friends!
I am back. I have returned from my tropical vacation. Actually I returned nearly 3 weeks ago, but cut me some slack, I'm lazy.
As I mentioned earlier, we went on an all inclusive trip. 14 of us in the humid heat, drinking, eating and having a great time. It was very much needed after the few months we had had. It was really great to relax and not worry about the day to day crap.
I faired far better than I had imagined I would, I must say.We were in Cuba, and as the reputation stands, the food is not the best. That being said, I never went hungry. (Ha! story of my god damn life!) We enjoyed omellettes for breakfast, Pina Coladas, Pizza for lunch, Pina Coladas, Pasta, Cristal Beer, fresh fruit, Pina Coladas and delicious breads and pastries...oh and Pina Coladas. We had the opportunity to have some awesome fish, shrimp and of course lobster. It was wonderful! Not once did I get sick, over eat or develop a food baby that looked overdue. And somehow, I lost 9 pounds on that trip! Seriously, what the hell? I came home and was amazed at the scale. I thought the asshole was lying to me. But sure as day, there it was. Yeah me...for now.
While in our tropical oasis we spent alot of time on the beach and in the pool. And that meant, in a bathing suit. (Although some of the europeans had there own interpretation of what a swim suit is.) I bought myself a really nice two piece tankini with a skirt bottom that was a little retro-ish. I must say, it was the first time in a long time I felt good in a swimsuit.( Thank you http://www.alwaysforme.com/ for the great plus size find!) This was a game changer for me, as I felt good and really felt that gave me the right to judge other people's poor swimsuit decisions. I know how fustrating swimsuits are, even for skinny bitches, but if your going to make a bad call, I am entilted to make fun of you and call you names.
Lets start with the "I'm from Saskatchewean/Manitoba/Alberta and don't give a shit who sees me, I'm on Vacation!" specimens: It is very easy to fall into this group. You get stars in your eyes, and really do throw caution to the wind. You drink beer for breakfast, stop doing your hair and rock the shit out of your animal/floral/polka dot bikini/tankini for the full 7 days. These ones crack me up because you see them at 9 a.m. and they are wasted! And why? Because they're on vacation and that's the only way they are getting into the bathing suit everyday! I would applaud these women if their bathing suits didn't look like cheap wall paper from a Vegas hotel. I know it is hard, but no woman over a size 10 looks good in a ruched tankini in a non-descript animal print. I don't know any animal that looks like that! And if there was one, it's likely the kind that gets eaten by their parents.
Then we have the "Over 50, had 3-5 kids, loves the tanning bed, and is still gonna rock this bikini because I deserve it!" I am all for girl power, but girl, your husband/best friend lied when they said it looked good. I am glad you have the confidence to wear that. But the tanning oils actually make your stretch marks glimmer and I hope it's safe to assume you asked for Oompa Loompa when you went tanning. I also hope you are wearing bottoms, but it's a bit hard to see under the gut. Just a thought. Oh and, no matter how much "support" that "push up" top gives you, you aint fooling anyone with those pancake boobs. But hey, your on vacation, you'll never see any of these people again!
We then have what my sister and I deemed "Wrong Sarong." This applies to both men and women. It is +30, and you've decided to wear a bathing suit/swim trunks. Men, maybe you went shirtless. So you mosey on down to the pool. You derobe, look around realize your not as confident as you thought. You panic a bit, and decide the best defense is to put on a sarong/bum wrap/towel and a shirt/cover up or gasp! sweater. All you have done is verify you are Canadian, added 10 pounds to your look and now you are sweating like Chris Farley during any SNL skit. I applaud your efforts Mr and Mrs Brandon Manitoba! But next time, go big or stay home!
Then we have the women like me. Let's call them "Shit, I didn't have a chance to lose that 20 pounds before vacation and now I have to wear this stupid tent to sit on the stupid beach and get stupid sand in my bum" vacationers. This is a sad lot really. We intend on losing that weight so we can buy a bathing suit before our holidays. Pretty soon, it's D-Day and you've actually gained 3 pounds from stress and cupcakes. Reluctantly, you go to Swim Co only to leave defeated and depressed because the 16 year old broad on her cell phone told we don't have that one that big. So you turn to a fimiliar friend,  Wal Mart. You slink between the aisles in case someone notices that your digging in th "X" rack for something resembling a 2 person tent. You pull at anything bigger than dental floss and smaller that a swimdress for maternity. You might end up with 3. Off you go. First one looks promising until you get it on and realize the top isn't long enough to reach the bottom, leaving a nice peek-a-boo effect. Good look, good look. #2 is a bit better, all the business is tucked in, boobs aren't to pancake like, and it's actually kind of cute. You turn around to see that your ass now looks like it starts at your arm pits and ends at your knees. You let out a little yelp! The sales girl asks if your ok and you reply, yeah, I'm great. All you really want to do is kick down the door and set fire to the whole god damned shithole. But you don't, because your a lady. So you go for broke. #3! Come on lucky #3. You get it on. That's step one in the success story. It's not too tight, business is covered, no back boob and when you jump a little...nothing flops out! Your getting excited..it's only $37 and really, your only going to wear it on this trip because by summer...Man! You are going to lose that 20 pounds and buy yourself a really nice one! Thats when it hits you like a Big Mac... it's the foresaken animal print. What is it? Is it Cheetah? Leopord? No...Wombat? What? Maybe it's..umm...something reallly exotic, like me! You tear it off in fury, throw it in the cart on top of the Doritos and Diet Pepsi. And don't look at it again until you're on vacation, 6 beers into breakfast and heading to the pool.

 All kidding aside, I am back. My life is on track and things are looking up. I'm feeling good, although I gained most of my mystery 9 pounds back . In an attempt to stay more accountable and force myself to write more often, I am going begin posting my current weight and a picture each time. I had intended on posting a gross swim suit picture, but alas, I forgot to take one. I was behind the camera more often than not, so there are few of me.

   My Hubby and I at the vow renewal for my mom and dad. I am 212 lbs in this photo and in a size 18 dress. And sun burnt like an idiot! Oh well...I was on Vacation. Today I am 209 lbs.
Keep fit and have fun. shit..that's not my motto. Oh..I don't have one.
Until Next Time!
Love Linz